The Law of Reciprocity

I found myself giving marital advise recently, which I very rarely do, but this situation involved someone I know very well and I could tell they were traveling down a dimly lit path.  So I jumped in with both feet and to my surprise they listened intently and found it to be helpful.

The picture above is of my husband and I sitting on top of one of the mountains near Aspen, Colorado on a summer's day.  We had been married for about 8 years (we are now approaching our 15th).  We already knew hardship and the stress of raising a blended family.  We knew about being so broke that you eat a lot of mac and cheese with hamburger meat and breakfast for supper.  We had learned how to hold on tight to each other when our hearts were breaking because of a stupid mistake one of our teenager's made. Through it all we learned how to be happy in marriage no matter what the circumstances.  All of this is a preface to my marital advise to anyone who reads this. Just wanted you to know that I am not some pollyanna who hasn't experienced the pain and turmoil of life. Now to the advise I gave:

It ain't about you! Yep, that's my southern gal wisdom coming out.  Hear me out. Do you want to be happy in marriage?  It's called the law of reciprocity.  In other words, what you do to and for your mate will come back to you in kind.  But somebody has to start it. This is how.

1) Get your mind off your self and on your mate. I can hear your sigh.  Keep reading.

2) Learn what your mate's love language is (affection, words, or deeds done with love) and spend your time meeting their needs.  Some like to be hugged on , some like to hear affectionate words, some like gifts, some like to eat a good meal prepared by hands that love them.

3) Stop trying to change your mate.  Only God can change people. You can pray for God to change a person, but there is nothing you can do to change them. I am not saying that if they have a serious emotional problem or addiction you should not help them seek professional help.  Absolutely do that.  I am saying that if they are an introvert by nature, don't try and make them an extrovert.  If they love the city, don't force them to live in the country or visa/versa.  Obviously you liked their character and personality traits when you married them so why are you trying to change them now? They don't like parties, so don't count on having many. So they don't want to live in the city like you do.  Meet them half way and live 15 minutes out of town where there are trees. Opposites balance the relationship out.

4) Work on improving yourself.  The Bible talks about taking a plank (board) out of your own eye before you criticize and judge someone else.  This is an absolute necessity for a happy marriage.  Open your own eyes and soul to what you can do to be a better person and thus a better mate.  Are you negative all the time?  Do you spend too much money? Are you a slob and unkept?  Are you dishonest? Work on these things. It's called taking the board out of your own eye.  You will be happier and you cannot give your mate what you don't have in yourself. 

5)  Do what's right even when it feels wrong. Take the high road or whatever you would like to call it, no matter what your mate does or doesn't do.  You are responsible for your own behavior.  Say I'm sorry....a lot!  Everyone makes mistakes and says things they wish they hadn't.  Be the first to apologize.

It's easy to list the basic keys to a happy marriage, and much harder to do them.  But if you can take baby-steps and start with realizing that life isn't about you and start bringing happiness to your mate, the rest of the list will be so much easier. Remember, happiness comes from doing good things for and bringing joy to other people.  Swallow your pride and admit that you don't know it all, or do it all.  Your mate will let their guard down as well. Show some humility. Then the law of reciprocity will eventually come around and you will reap the seeds of love that you have sown.

Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest!