A Cup of Tea and a Friend's Hand

A cup of warm tea and a friend to talk to is the best medicine for all the pain and grief this world can throw my way. Peace has returned to me soul today.  After weeks of fear and confusion caused by my child's illness, it is now well with my soul. There is no explanation for this feeling except that God has answered the prayers of all my family and friends and my own pleas for relief.  Trust in God drives out the spirit of fear.  I have known this for many years and have had many opportunities to choose to trust God, but fear won out.  This time is different.  Why? I finally came to understand that I am not in control of most of the circumstances around me.  When I make good choices for myself I am in control of me, but that is because they are my decisions.  Now I am presented with a loved one whose decisions I am not and cannot be in control of and must step back. Jesus take the wheel. This is my first step to getting my life back which will help me to be a better wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I cannot fix this illness and I have no answers as to why or what caused this illness to come about.  I am finally past the extreme sadness and have moved toward acceptance. In addition to answered prayer, all of this progress was made possible by the love and care from my husband, and some very special friend's who allowed me to vent, offered a smile, a hug with a huge cup of acceptance.  I am blessed with such friends.  They are Jesus' arms wrapping around me allowing me to heal so I can place my arm's around my daughter and help her to feel God's love and acceptance.

I have learned a lot recently about BPD (borderline personality disorder).  I have learned that it's symptoms come and go.  I have learned that medication and therapy will be a  life-long need and that my loved one will need the love and support of family to have a normal-like life.  It was recommended by her therapist that she seek SSI disability because working full-time is not sustainable.  The predominant symptoms differ from person to person.  My daughter's symptom's involve anger, paranoia (people approval is very important), and fear of being alone.  The anger is what she has asked me to look for and will need to take her to the ER if this behavior gets out of hand.. I pray that her husband can handle this illness and that he gets the support he needs as well or he will suffer caregiver burnout.

God I trust You.  I trust You because You have proven Yourself over and over again. You have been with me during great loss and gave me the courage to keep going. You have blessed me with love that I do not deserve. I trust You because I believe You are who the Bible says You are and that is by faith. I give you my life and I take my hands off because I just don't have all it takes to make it without Your Divine help. I need Your wisdom, Your strength, and the discernment to make good decisions.  Thank you. Amen.

Releasing control to God

Mental illness is not something I am familiar with.  But it has come to my family and I must admit I have stumbled and dropped to the floor in so much agony I thought my heart would burst my chest open. My family is experiencing possible the most painful time we have ever been through.  One of our children has been diagnosed with a very serious mental illness. The magnitude of this illness has a ripple affect across our entire family.  First because of the shock and then because it has manifested itself and taken over our loved ones life.  I am learning that the only way to get through it and to be supportive while they undergo intense therapy is to let go.  Letting go of my children is the hardest thing this parent will ever do.  For someone like me who tends to error on the co-dependent side, letting go and not rescuing my child is sheer torture.  At first I wanted to hide out and not talk about it too much and stuff it and deal with it like some kind of tough guy.  I found out after a couple of months that my body cannot handle that much pressure.  So after a trip to the ER and medical leave from work I have decided to let go and allow God to teach me what I need to learn about myself through all this.  I cannot help my child.  Only professionals can help.  I have also decided not to hide it.  But I will reach out to trusted friends for understanding and comfort.  I will allow myself to have some fun with my husband as I pray and trust God to work healing His way in the life of my child.  I will journal my learning's here.  Perhaps someone will come across this blog and find encouragement for their loved one through my honesty about a very real and debilitating illness called Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Law of Reciprocity

I found myself giving marital advise recently, which I very rarely do, but this situation involved someone I know very well and I could tell they were traveling down a dimly lit path.  So I jumped in with both feet and to my surprise they listened intently and found it to be helpful.

The picture above is of my husband and I sitting on top of one of the mountains near Aspen, Colorado on a summer's day.  We had been married for about 8 years (we are now approaching our 15th).  We already knew hardship and the stress of raising a blended family.  We knew about being so broke that you eat a lot of mac and cheese with hamburger meat and breakfast for supper.  We had learned how to hold on tight to each other when our hearts were breaking because of a stupid mistake one of our teenager's made. Through it all we learned how to be happy in marriage no matter what the circumstances.  All of this is a preface to my marital advise to anyone who reads this. Just wanted you to know that I am not some pollyanna who hasn't experienced the pain and turmoil of life. Now to the advise I gave:

It ain't about you! Yep, that's my southern gal wisdom coming out.  Hear me out. Do you want to be happy in marriage?  It's called the law of reciprocity.  In other words, what you do to and for your mate will come back to you in kind.  But somebody has to start it. This is how.

1) Get your mind off your self and on your mate. I can hear your sigh.  Keep reading.

2) Learn what your mate's love language is (affection, words, or deeds done with love) and spend your time meeting their needs.  Some like to be hugged on , some like to hear affectionate words, some like gifts, some like to eat a good meal prepared by hands that love them.

3) Stop trying to change your mate.  Only God can change people. You can pray for God to change a person, but there is nothing you can do to change them. I am not saying that if they have a serious emotional problem or addiction you should not help them seek professional help.  Absolutely do that.  I am saying that if they are an introvert by nature, don't try and make them an extrovert.  If they love the city, don't force them to live in the country or visa/versa.  Obviously you liked their character and personality traits when you married them so why are you trying to change them now? They don't like parties, so don't count on having many. So they don't want to live in the city like you do.  Meet them half way and live 15 minutes out of town where there are trees. Opposites balance the relationship out.

4) Work on improving yourself.  The Bible talks about taking a plank (board) out of your own eye before you criticize and judge someone else.  This is an absolute necessity for a happy marriage.  Open your own eyes and soul to what you can do to be a better person and thus a better mate.  Are you negative all the time?  Do you spend too much money? Are you a slob and unkept?  Are you dishonest? Work on these things. It's called taking the board out of your own eye.  You will be happier and you cannot give your mate what you don't have in yourself. 

5)  Do what's right even when it feels wrong. Take the high road or whatever you would like to call it, no matter what your mate does or doesn't do.  You are responsible for your own behavior.  Say I'm sorry....a lot!  Everyone makes mistakes and says things they wish they hadn't.  Be the first to apologize.

It's easy to list the basic keys to a happy marriage, and much harder to do them.  But if you can take baby-steps and start with realizing that life isn't about you and start bringing happiness to your mate, the rest of the list will be so much easier. Remember, happiness comes from doing good things for and bringing joy to other people.  Swallow your pride and admit that you don't know it all, or do it all.  Your mate will let their guard down as well. Show some humility. Then the law of reciprocity will eventually come around and you will reap the seeds of love that you have sown.

Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest!

Morning Stillness - His Mercies are New Every Morning

Early morning is my favorite time of day. I sit on my back porch deck admiring the flowers I planted and breathing in their beauty. I watch the hummingbirds feed and chase each other many times buzzing straight through the deck and over my head with a swoosh! I listen to the quiet noise of the forest that begins at the edge of my back yard. There is the woodpecker who has found a dead tree about 2 acres back and pecks his way through. He is big with beautiful black, red and white feathers. In the Fall I will see squirrels gathering the nuts from our trees as they drop their acorns. I love that scent of autumn. Also there is a family of deer that bed down just over the hill and walk through our property noticing me, but never fearing me. A special treat is when my neighbor is sitting outside playing his fiddle. A talented man, father of four, husband of a hard-working gal with more concerns than she should have to bare.
On my back deck I prepare for the day by drinking my coffee, reading my Bible, praying, and listen to the morning stillness. It has a sound all it's own. This morning stillness is where I commune with God. I hear His gentle voice speaking words of encouragement, giving insight into how to solve life's challenges, but most of all providing peace. That is how I know God is near. Peace and contentment is His calling card. And with that peace, my heart is filled with love, joy, gratitude, and hope. I want to help somebody, be an encourager, make the most of my day by being a friend to someone in need. These emotions are all God inspired. For I cannot take back any "lost" days. Lost days are those days when I am not at peace and enjoying stillness, not being thankful, not loving others. I pray that I have very few lost days of missed opportunity to be a blessing to someone else. Thankfully, God allows me to begin again each morning and choose to enjoy His stillness. His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23