The Law of Reciprocity

I found myself giving marital advise recently, which I very rarely do, but this situation involved someone I know very well and I could tell they were traveling down a dimly lit path.  So I jumped in with both feet and to my surprise they listened intently and found it to be helpful.

The picture above is of my husband and I sitting on top of one of the mountains near Aspen, Colorado on a summer's day.  We had been married for about 8 years (we are now approaching our 15th).  We already knew hardship and the stress of raising a blended family.  We knew about being so broke that you eat a lot of mac and cheese with hamburger meat and breakfast for supper.  We had learned how to hold on tight to each other when our hearts were breaking because of a stupid mistake one of our teenager's made. Through it all we learned how to be happy in marriage no matter what the circumstances.  All of this is a preface to my marital advise to anyone who reads this. Just wanted you to know that I am not some pollyanna who hasn't experienced the pain and turmoil of life. Now to the advise I gave:

It ain't about you! Yep, that's my southern gal wisdom coming out.  Hear me out. Do you want to be happy in marriage?  It's called the law of reciprocity.  In other words, what you do to and for your mate will come back to you in kind.  But somebody has to start it. This is how.

1) Get your mind off your self and on your mate. I can hear your sigh.  Keep reading.

2) Learn what your mate's love language is (affection, words, or deeds done with love) and spend your time meeting their needs.  Some like to be hugged on , some like to hear affectionate words, some like gifts, some like to eat a good meal prepared by hands that love them.

3) Stop trying to change your mate.  Only God can change people. You can pray for God to change a person, but there is nothing you can do to change them. I am not saying that if they have a serious emotional problem or addiction you should not help them seek professional help.  Absolutely do that.  I am saying that if they are an introvert by nature, don't try and make them an extrovert.  If they love the city, don't force them to live in the country or visa/versa.  Obviously you liked their character and personality traits when you married them so why are you trying to change them now? They don't like parties, so don't count on having many. So they don't want to live in the city like you do.  Meet them half way and live 15 minutes out of town where there are trees. Opposites balance the relationship out.

4) Work on improving yourself.  The Bible talks about taking a plank (board) out of your own eye before you criticize and judge someone else.  This is an absolute necessity for a happy marriage.  Open your own eyes and soul to what you can do to be a better person and thus a better mate.  Are you negative all the time?  Do you spend too much money? Are you a slob and unkept?  Are you dishonest? Work on these things. It's called taking the board out of your own eye.  You will be happier and you cannot give your mate what you don't have in yourself. 

5)  Do what's right even when it feels wrong. Take the high road or whatever you would like to call it, no matter what your mate does or doesn't do.  You are responsible for your own behavior.  Say I'm sorry....a lot!  Everyone makes mistakes and says things they wish they hadn't.  Be the first to apologize.

It's easy to list the basic keys to a happy marriage, and much harder to do them.  But if you can take baby-steps and start with realizing that life isn't about you and start bringing happiness to your mate, the rest of the list will be so much easier. Remember, happiness comes from doing good things for and bringing joy to other people.  Swallow your pride and admit that you don't know it all, or do it all.  Your mate will let their guard down as well. Show some humility. Then the law of reciprocity will eventually come around and you will reap the seeds of love that you have sown.

Whew! I'm glad I got that off my chest!

Morning Stillness - His Mercies are New Every Morning

Early morning is my favorite time of day. I sit on my back porch deck admiring the flowers I planted and breathing in their beauty. I watch the hummingbirds feed and chase each other many times buzzing straight through the deck and over my head with a swoosh! I listen to the quiet noise of the forest that begins at the edge of my back yard. There is the woodpecker who has found a dead tree about 2 acres back and pecks his way through. He is big with beautiful black, red and white feathers. In the Fall I will see squirrels gathering the nuts from our trees as they drop their acorns. I love that scent of autumn. Also there is a family of deer that bed down just over the hill and walk through our property noticing me, but never fearing me. A special treat is when my neighbor is sitting outside playing his fiddle. A talented man, father of four, husband of a hard-working gal with more concerns than she should have to bare.
On my back deck I prepare for the day by drinking my coffee, reading my Bible, praying, and listen to the morning stillness. It has a sound all it's own. This morning stillness is where I commune with God. I hear His gentle voice speaking words of encouragement, giving insight into how to solve life's challenges, but most of all providing peace. That is how I know God is near. Peace and contentment is His calling card. And with that peace, my heart is filled with love, joy, gratitude, and hope. I want to help somebody, be an encourager, make the most of my day by being a friend to someone in need. These emotions are all God inspired. For I cannot take back any "lost" days. Lost days are those days when I am not at peace and enjoying stillness, not being thankful, not loving others. I pray that I have very few lost days of missed opportunity to be a blessing to someone else. Thankfully, God allows me to begin again each morning and choose to enjoy His stillness. His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23

Flowers and a Soul Vacation Day

I felt the dirt under my fingernails as I potted the remaining flowers on my back deck. The dirt was warm and a little dry as the heat reached around 90 degrees. The fierce heat causing the flowers such stress they wilted easily. But when the cool, refreshing water was poured over them, their stalks stood back up and the leaves opened to receive the cool refreshment. Watching this I was reminded of how parched and dry I get when the heat of trouble comes. It stresses me and gives me chest pain as the anxiety bubbles up from within. However, this stress and strain also causes me to appreciate the refreshing Living Water I receive when I run to God's Word.
My dryness comes when the anxious worry over takes me and instead of running to God for direction and comfort, I run through all the possible scenerios that a present trouble could bring. Foolishness!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There are many things I cannot change. I can't change the weather, but God can; I can't change someone who is hell-bent on destroying their life, but God can; I cannot control what other people do or say and God choses not to, but I can control myself. How? Through submission to God and what He would have me do or say causing me to manage my emotions correctly.

Submit to God - Stand firm in Faith - and the devil will flee. I declare my soul is on vacation as I turn over control to God for the things I cannot do anything about. BTW - that's about everything.

Drawing closer in Troubled Times

It has been months since I posted in large part due to my broken wrist which greatly impaired my ability to type. But also, because my family has been going through some serious events, trials, and pain.

My daughter had spinal-cord surgery in March. This was quite an ordeal for her to go through and then recover from. The pain from any surgery is hard, but spinal cord surgery is especially hard. I am a tender-hearted Mom that experiences all the trials and hardships my children endure right along with them. The story of how we found a qualified surgeon was our family's miracle. Our daughter had searched for a neurosurgeon for severals months without success, all the while enduring intense back and neck pain with numbness in her legs. Month after month appointments were made and re-scheduled, and then when she did get to see a doctor, she was referred to another physician. As my husband and I walked this road with her, we realized that we would have to start looking outside our immediate area for help. Then SUDDENLY God answered our prayers thru a business acquaintance of my husband. God does seem to perform his SUDDENLY miracles just in the nick of time. My husband had a meeting with this gentlemen, a concerned businessman friend, who asked about our daughter. When he heard how long we had been searching for a doctor to treat her, he pulled up his mobile phone and dialed a number. He told my husband that he had a friend from church who "just happened" to be a neurosurgeon. Once he had this doctor on the phone he handed my husband the phone. "Hello"..."Yes we are in a crisis situation"..."Yes, I will have her at your office in the AM. Thank you! Upon examining our daughter, he was quick to see how easily she could be permanently disabled if surgery didn't happen ASAP. Within a few days of the consultation with him, our daughter was on the operating table! Praise God!

Shortly after returning home from the hospital with daughter #1, we are told that daughter #2 and her husband are divorcing after only 2 years of marriage. They have 1child who is 18 months old. Granted their marriage was not ideal, but this was still a shock. We prayed for them and grandbaby, and have been here to help, but it wasn't enough. The reality is that even though we pray and love them, we cannot make them make good choices and work at staying together. A house divided cannot stand.

I was thinking on the way home from work about how I wish I could keep my heart calm when my children are going through hard times or making bad decisions. I am pretty good at faking it on the outside, but inside my heart breaks. I have trouble focusing on the simplest of tasks and find that my calm spirit gives way to tears and sometimes even anger at such a loss. You see, I have been through a divorce nearly 16 years ago, and it carries with it tremendous heartbreak and dysfunction. It takes years to get over the demise of a marriage and divorce leaves some heavy baggage that you can drag around for a lifetime unless you fight against it.

There is more drama going on as well, but I prefer to keep those things more private for the sake of those involved. Our family has been through a lot of tough times in years past, but we always come through every trial stronger. My mother once told me that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I sure hope she is right! I should be 10 feet tall and bullet proof by now! :-)

Our family is as close as it has ever been. We are pulling together and helping each other get through the ups and downs of life looking forward to the peace that passes all understanding that only God can provide.